Missing Liam

Our Happy Family of 5

I have come to the realisation that writing my feelings down, is my therapy, that putting it all down in words is how I got through Liam’s death, it made me comprehend what we had gone through and process it in a way that I wouldn’t have done had I not started this blog, so while I am not going to post my blog to my FB page anymore, it is my wish to continue our journey, and I would LOVE to share with you all how our family of 5 is getting on now!

It feels so surreal that this time last year I was pregnant with Will, I can’t believe that in 2 weeks he will be 1, this year has truly flown by! Alethea has started school, she attends a gorgeous school and is loving every minute of it, she has a very kind and caring teacher and she is thriving on learning so much. So far (and yes I am aware that this will change) she hasn’t even said that she doesn’t want to go to school yet. There have been a few times where I have been really close to asking her if she would like to stay home with me and have a girly day in our PJs, but I know how much she is loving school and I would hate for that to change so I have resisted all my urges to keep her at home to myself for a day.

Will is the most gorgeous little boy, he really is, he charms everyone who meets him, he has a gorgeous smile that melts anyone, and the cuddles that he gives me have to be seen to be believed, he cuddles in with everything that he is, he places both arms right around my neck and gently caresses my hair, often while gently blowing raspberries through his dummy. He LOVES his big sister, I still breastfeed him in my bed in the morning, and as soon as he is finished he sits up looks straight at my bedroom door and either starts to giggle or blows raspberries cause he knows that his big sister is about to run in the room and shower him with all her love (she’s not allowed in until he finishes his milk because otherwise he wouldn’t drink any, he would be too excited to see her). Alethea is still infatuated with Will, her love for him is stronger than I could have ever imagined, she is protective of him and so far in the year that we have had him she has shown no signs of jealousy at all, even though he takes up a lot of our time, I am so proud of her, she had us purely to herself for 4.5years and she is sharing us with Will, with no hesitation and is doing a damn good job at it too.

I often use to say that if Liam was here that Will wouldn’t be here because we wouldn’t have had another baby so close together, but now I like to think that somehow if Liam was here I still would have fallen pregnant with Will, and we would all be together, and I can’t imagine it anyway else.

Will has gorgeous vivid blue eyes, but on his left eye, near the pupil there is some brown as well, and I like to think that had Liam lived that he would have brown eyes (we never saw his eyes in hospital, they were always closed) and I like to believe that the brown in Will’s left eye is a little gift from his big brother, telling him that he will always be with him, watching over him.

Will has a very placid and happy nature, he seems to just love being here, but as he is growing bigger, I am understanding some of what it is like to have a little boy. When Alethea was a baby she liked order, she would try her best to build block and stack things, Will just loves to knock everything over, and he loves to throw balls, Alethea use to roll balls gentle on the ground, Will has this great overarm throw on him which makes me giggle each time he does it, and he is into EVERYTHING, Alethea (although she was a hard baby to manage with sleep etc) was quite placid and would just play with her toys, Will has to know how everything works, opens, closes and it is lovely to watch the similarities and differences of my kids, and I often wonder what Liam would be like.

In my mind Liam is always bigger than Will, he was such big baby that I think of him as being a really big boy, where Will (although he has the chubby cheeks that all my kids have had) is on the slighter side, and at nearly 1 had just hit 8.8kg, I think had Liam lived he would have been at least 10-11kg at Wills age.

I suppose right this very minute I have a lot of emotions running through me, I’m excited that Will is about to turn 1 (I just don’t know how that happened so quickly) but I’m also devastated that Liam’s 2nd birthday is coming up. I find it really hard to imagine what a 2yr old would be like, and what his personality would be like, yet I miss him so much and wish I could have just 1 more real live cuddle with him. I often like to think that Liam sends me little signs, whenever I drive my car (which is new since we had Will) past a certain place the front sensors ALWAYS beep for absolutely no reason that  I can think of, there’s nothing there on the road, but they beep, and one day I remembered that when I was in this particular spot just after Liam had died I had felt like running my car into a pole in frustration and anger, and then a calming influence came over me and of course I didn’t, but everytime I go to that spot in my car the sensors beep, and remind me of a little boy who loves me and how much I love him, it reminds me of a promise I made to him that I would be a good mum, it steadies my soul and gives me peace.

I’d like to share some moments of our past year with Will, it has been fun, it has been full of love, of life and of family, we are a family of 5, and we have found our way, we are happier than most people I know, I think my hubby and I are still in love more than most other couples that have been married for as long as we have (we are even happier than most newly weds) he is my rock, he is my love, he is my everything and without him I would be nothing, love is everything, happiness is everything and we have those things in our lives and we are truly blessed…in saying that, we also carry a weight of sadness as well, a sadness that never goes away, a love that can be unequalled and a burden that  I wouldn’t wish on anyone, we carry it because it is ours, we choose not to forget it, but have learnt to live with it, we have learnt the new ‘normal’ we have found the new ‘us’

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Already up to mischief together

Already up to mischief together

My smiley boy

My smiley boy

Getting bigger!

Getting bigger!

Playing together

Playing together

15 Comments

  1. danimondello

    Amanda, it’s so great to hear that everything is going so well and that you and your family are now in a ‘happier place’. I’ve been following your blog ever since my daughter died in October last year. She was also my second born and I have another little girl who is now 3. I look forward to the day that I too find myself in a happier place and learn to live with this terrible reality. xx

  2. Nikki

    So so so glad u have started sharing again! Wish u all the love and happiness in the world. Your family of five is beautiful !

  3. Meagan

    I’m so glad you’re back! And it’s so great to hear that you are all doing well. Will looks absolutely gorgeous and Alethea is looking very grown up since your last post! X

  4. Beverley Smith

    I’m really thrilled to hear you are all doing so well! I often wondered how you were. X

  5. dadcedman

    Amanda,
    I was only thinking about you and your family the other day. I am pleased you have updated us. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    Anne x

  6. Elizabeth

    I’m so glad you are ok and are “happy”. You are very right about finding a new normal. Glad to hear from you.xx

  7. Megan

    It’s lovely to have you back. I’m so glad you’ve decided to continue writing as there is just something about the way you write. I’ve had my third child since your last post and since hearing your story I have learnt to appreciate everything that I have. Your family is gorgeous and you deserve every happiness.

  8. Emma

    wonderful to have you back. the kids have grown so much and you all look so happy.xxxx

  9. Fiona

    So good to read this – I often think of you and was only just thinking a few days that you must’ve finished writing! All the photos are gorgeous especially the professional ones – in the family shot I like to think that spot next to Alethea is Liam nestled into Dad’s arm!

    I have a 13 month old (and an almost 4 year old) & it’s unbelievaeble how quick that first year did go! I can totally relate with the morning feed – Archer knows to wait till Bella has fed to join us for snuggles! The older sibling love is just beautiful!

    Thanks again for sharing! Much love xx

  10. wonderful news and please keep writing x

  11. Cheryl Lord

    Amanda, have been thinking about you and your family of five knowing it is anniversary time, would just like to send my love to all your family, glad your writing again, you have helped so many people by sharing your heart and soul,

    Cheryl Lord xxxxx

  12. Amanda and Ryan,
    So lovely to see an update. The photos are beautiful – Alethea looks so happy. What a great job you are doing with her that she is so balanced. And proud! Boy is she proud of her little brother. It’s the loveliest thing to witness.
    Thanks for sharing this with us – it’s nice to see another chapter of your journey and while your heart will always be heavy at the loss of your beautiful Liam, your family of 5 is clearly so full of love. Will be thinking of you as Liam’s 2nd anniversary nears.
    Much love and strength,
    Vanessa xx

  13. Megan

    I regularly check back on your blog as your words have had such a large impact on me. I’m glad to see you’re writing again. You have a truly beautiful family.

  14. Taryn

    You have constantly been on my mind lately. I know I don’t keep in contact but please know how inspiring and influential you have been. SO proud of you and have loved reading and watching your beautiful family grow. Lots of love xx

  15. Carley

    Congratulations will is beautiful I must’ve missed the last few blogs saying you were pregnant but I am so happy for you all. Enjoy your time with him he has been sent to u to look after u xo

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