Happy 7th heavenly birthday
Some days, I am not ok. Wednesday was one of those days. 7 years feels like both a lifetime ago and the blink of an eye ago.
I remember that morning vividly well, the sights, the sounds, my uncontrollable hyperventilation, Ryan holding my hand as tightly as he could, we were both petrified.
I remember hanging onto every last breath he had, I remember kissing his head and breathing him in, and telling him that it was ok to go, that was the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember his last breath in my arms… and the stillness that followed.
I remember the bravest of husbands cradling his baby in his arms, not wanting to let him go, rocking him back and forth. I remember my husband bathing our baby ever so gently, it was the epitome of daddy’s love, something I struggled to watch, I could not have been as strong as he was.
I remember those few precious days we spent with our little man, he was beautiful, soft, smelled divine, and just looked like he needed to wake up. I remember singing to him on our last morning together.
I remember leaving the hospital with empty arms, I remember not understanding how the world was still turning as we drove home, silent tears streaming down my face the whole way. I remember walking into his nursery pretending that he was still alive, and then feeling utter shame in doing so.
I remember watching his little white coffin being lowered and screaming out in agony. Nobody should bury their child.
Above all else, I remember him. My little man. My picture of perfect. His soft and beautiful smelling skin. His button nose. His chubby cheeks.
I think of him, Every. Single. Day. I love him with everything that I am. I miss him always.
Happy 7th birthday Liam.
Fly high little man, we love you so, so much. Love like starlight never dies.
So much has happened in our lives since Liam came. We are now a family of 6 (plus a puppy that Alethea received for her 10th birthday). Our cherry on top of the cake Benji arrived in 2016 and completed our family. He is a great mix of both Alethea and Will.
My gorgeous girl is now 10 and I am so in love with her. She is adorable. She has a sweet nature (though like all pre-teens she can be moody). She is quiet in nature. She adores dancing, lyrical is her favourite style and I absolutely love watching her. We have taken her to a few psychologists over the years-I am often petrified that after witnessing Ryan and I at our lowest I will have adversely affected her. Yes I believe that it has affected her, but probably not in a bad way, she has resilience like no other child her age has, she has empathy, she always wants to please, she tries her hardest, she is beautiful inside and out and that is all a parent can ever ask for. The psychologists have encouraged us to pursue dance, as even though she is very shy, they believe that is her outlet, she expresses herself through dance, so she does as much as she wants.
Will has just turned 6 and has started Kindergarten this year, I cried for 3 days when he went, I was excited for him but devastated for me, I have enjoyed my little boy being with me and I didn’t want him to change. He is a fun loving child. He has innate ability to draw people to him, and make people smile, he is kind and gentle, loving, sporty, and talks non-stop. He has the most beautiful smile you could come by, and his eyes are still different colours, one is blue and the other is still half blue/half brown.
Benji is my naughty-naughty. He is my worst sleeper yet, and that is saying a lot because Alethea was bad! He loves cuddles, getting into mischief, making noise and being outside. He is like Will, very sporty- he has mastered a balance bike and can nearly ride a proper bike without training wheels. He has Alethea’s very inquisitive mind. He is at the age where Ryan and I are frequently being told ‘you’re my best friend.’ He is strong willed and loves getting his own way (but what 2-year-old doesn’t!). I am excited to see how his personality unfolds, but right now I am enjoying the endless cuddles and kisses-don’t grow up too quickly please Benji.
Life is beautiful at the moment, the kids are very busy, Ryan and I are forever taking them to dancing, soccer, tennis, swimming, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am not a perfect mum, I thought after losing Liam that I would have endless patience all the time, and never get upset with my kids. I am learning that to parent and to shape these children into the people that they are, that it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, there are boundaries and they are still discovering how to negotiate these.
I love my family with everything that I am. I miss my boy more than words can do justice to. The pain never goes away, but I have learnt to live with it.
I am excited for the years to come, please don’t go by too quickly, I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is (good and bad). More than anything, I hope our kids look back at their childhood with fond memories, knowing that they are loved and adored, and knowing that we have tried our hardest.
- Posted in: The First Weeks