Some days, I am not ok. Wednesday was one of those days. 7 years feels like both a lifetime ago and the blink of an eye ago.
I remember that morning vividly well, the sights, the sounds, my uncontrollable hyperventilation, Ryan holding my hand as tightly as he could, we were both petrified.
I remember hanging onto every last breath he had, I remember kissing his head and breathing him in, and telling him that it was ok to go, that was the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember his last breath in my arms… and the stillness that followed.
I remember the bravest of husbands cradling his baby in his arms, not wanting to let him go, rocking him back and forth. I remember my husband bathing our baby ever so gently, it was the epitome of daddy’s love, something I struggled to watch, I could not have been as strong as he was.
I remember those few precious days we spent with our little man, he was beautiful, soft, smelled divine, and just looked like he needed to wake up. I remember singing to him on our last morning together.
I remember leaving the hospital with empty arms, I remember not understanding how the world was still turning as we drove home, silent tears streaming down my face the whole way. I remember walking into his nursery pretending that he was still alive, and then feeling utter shame in doing so.
I remember watching his little white coffin being lowered and screaming out in agony. Nobody should bury their child.
Above all else, I remember him. My little man. My picture of perfect. His soft and beautiful smelling skin. His button nose. His chubby cheeks.
I think of him, Every. Single. Day. I love him with everything that I am. I miss him always.
Happy 7th birthday Liam.
Fly high little man, we love you so, so much. Love like starlight never dies.
So much has happened in our lives since Liam came. We are now a family of 6 (plus a puppy that Alethea received for her 10th birthday). Our cherry on top of the cake Benji arrived in 2016 and completed our family. He is a great mix of both Alethea and Will.
My gorgeous girl is now 10 and I am so in love with her. She is adorable. She has a sweet nature (though like all pre-teens she can be moody). She is quiet in nature. She adores dancing, lyrical is her favourite style and I absolutely love watching her. We have taken her to a few psychologists over the years-I am often petrified that after witnessing Ryan and I at our lowest I will have adversely affected her. Yes I believe that it has affected her, but probably not in a bad way, she has resilience like no other child her age has, she has empathy, she always wants to please, she tries her hardest, she is beautiful inside and out and that is all a parent can ever ask for. The psychologists have encouraged us to pursue dance, as even though she is very shy, they believe that is her outlet, she expresses herself through dance, so she does as much as she wants.
Will has just turned 6 and has started Kindergarten this year, I cried for 3 days when he went, I was excited for him but devastated for me, I have enjoyed my little boy being with me and I didn’t want him to change. He is a fun loving child. He has innate ability to draw people to him, and make people smile, he is kind and gentle, loving, sporty, and talks non-stop. He has the most beautiful smile you could come by, and his eyes are still different colours, one is blue and the other is still half blue/half brown.
Benji is my naughty-naughty. He is my worst sleeper yet, and that is saying a lot because Alethea was bad! He loves cuddles, getting into mischief, making noise and being outside. He is like Will, very sporty- he has mastered a balance bike and can nearly ride a proper bike without training wheels. He has Alethea’s very inquisitive mind. He is at the age where Ryan and I are frequently being told ‘you’re my best friend.’ He is strong willed and loves getting his own way (but what 2-year-old doesn’t!). I am excited to see how his personality unfolds, but right now I am enjoying the endless cuddles and kisses-don’t grow up too quickly please Benji.
Life is beautiful at the moment, the kids are very busy, Ryan and I are forever taking them to dancing, soccer, tennis, swimming, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am not a perfect mum, I thought after losing Liam that I would have endless patience all the time, and never get upset with my kids. I am learning that to parent and to shape these children into the people that they are, that it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, there are boundaries and they are still discovering how to negotiate these.
I love my family with everything that I am. I miss my boy more than words can do justice to. The pain never goes away, but I have learnt to live with it.
I am excited for the years to come, please don’t go by too quickly, I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is (good and bad). More than anything, I hope our kids look back at their childhood with fond memories, knowing that they are loved and adored, and knowing that we have tried our hardest.
It’s odd the things that you think about on a birthday, I think most mums do it (I know I do with Alethea, and have just done so for the first time with Will) I replay those last few days/hours before they were born in my head, I replay their birth story in my head every year. I know that last year I tried to block most of Liam’s out, but this year I can’t. This time 2 years ago it was the eve of Liam’s birth, I obviously had no idea that I was about to go into labour, so I just went about my normal day Continue reading
I have come to the realisation that writing my feelings down, is my therapy, that putting it all down in words is how I got through Liam’s death, it made me comprehend what we had gone through and process it in a way that I wouldn’t have done had I not started this blog, so while I am not going to post my blog to my FB page anymore, it is my wish to continue our journey, and I would LOVE to share with you all how our family of 5 is getting on now! Continue reading
I’m going to start this post by saying that yes we are a very happy family, we love each day and we live each day, we appreciate the little things and can laugh in the face of most adversaries, our happiness of course revolves around both Alethea and Will, but by no means is Will the only reason that we are now happy. In writing the last post I skipped over the majority of 8 months or so to let you know that yes our little boy was now here and he is beautiful, however in those 8 months we found peace, happiness and contentment, yes Will has added to our happiness and has filled our hearts with love, but Ryan, Alethea and I came a long way while I was pregnant. Continue reading
After that first ultrasound I was excited that our baby had a heartbeat, however given that we had previously had many miscarriages between 6-15 weeks I wasn’t completely convinced that I would make it past the 12week ultrasound. Continue reading
Sometimes there is not very much to say, and today is one of those days, but I couldn’t let it go by without letting everyone know that today is Liam’s 1st Birthday, today we should be celebrating with a bouncing baby boy, but he’s not here.
To my beautiful boy,
Words cannot adequately express what I feel, all I really want you to know is that I love you with everything that I am, I miss you each and every minute of the day and think of you always. You alone have taught me how to live a life of fun, how to be a better mum, a better wife and a better friend, you alone have taught me compassion, I have been on a journey from the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows and then back to the highs again.
I wish you were here, if only for a fleeting minute to give you one more kiss, one more cuddle and to feel the softness of your skin against my lips, I wish more than anything for you to know how much I love you
Happy Birthday baby boy, I hope you are jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows, I hope you are eating cake and chocolate crackles
One day I will see you again Liam
When our time is over you will play with us happily
Someday soon we will be with you again
Sliding down rainbows and jumping on clouds
We will be proud to tell you with a smile,
that we are stronger, more compassionate, more loving
because you were with us for just awhile
All my love Mummy xxoo
For this post I’m going to have to backtrack just a little bit to give you a bit of background. On the day that Liam died, our OB came into our room a couple hours after he had passed to answer any questions that we might have had. One of the questions that we asked was “when can we have another baby” it was not that we were disregarding Liam, it was just that we were so eager to hold a living baby in our arms, and to give Alethea a living sibling that she could bond with and play with just like all her other little friends Continue reading
It’s been so long since I last wrote that I struggle to remember where I was up to! Going back to work has proved slightly more intense than I originally expected it to, even though I only work 2 days a week, Alethea and I are busy every other day of the week, so going back to work has been quite exhausting! I have to say that I was a little disappointed to learn that most of my immediate colleagues have not read any of our blog Continue reading
I’m writing this post exactly 9 months since we lost our little boy. Today is a hard day, 9 months ago Liam was born and he died, he has now been gone for as long as we knew that he was here for and I’m really not quite sure how I feel about this, however I do know this: A mothers love is eternal, and I will love and miss him till the day I die, I wish I could have just 1 more minute with him, to let him feel how much I love him, to smell his hair, to cuddle him and to kiss his cheeks. I also know that Liam has taught me how to be a better person, how to love unconditionally, how to ignore the small inconsequential things that so often have us distressed in life. Because of Liam I hope I am a better wife, a better mum, a better friend and a better person. Continue reading
So after our mini break away our little family got back to reality again, things started travelling along nicely for us and we were comfortable and happy for a couple of weeks, until I received an email from the hospital in the first days of October telling me that the RCA on Liam had been completed and they looked forward to meeting with Ryan and myself in the next day or so. Continue reading