Remembering…

missingliam ♦ June 25, 2014 ♦ 10 Comments

It’s odd the things that you think about on a birthday, I think most mums do it (I know I do with Alethea, and have just done so for the first time with Will) I replay those last few days/hours before they were born in my head, I replay their birth story in my head every year. I know that last year I tried to block most of Liam’s out, but this year I can’t. This time 2 years ago it was the eve of Liam’s birth, I obviously had no idea that I was about to go into labour, so I just went about my normal day. This time 2 years ago, Alethea and I went grocery shopping together, we had a hot chocolate and shared cinnamon donuts, we came home for lunch and straight after lunch we went to a play centre, I knew that Liam would be here in a few days and I wanted that last big play for Alethea, I had wanted it to be magical for her, so we arrived at this play centre at 2pm, I paid the money and then they informed me that unfortunately they were closing early that day in about 40-50mins, as I had already paid and Alethea was excited I said that it was ok and we went in. I’m not often a mum who likes to sit down, I would much prefer to be in the action of it all, so I went around and played with most things with her. This day she was pretending to be a construction worker and I was her helper, and we played without a care in the world. When it was time to leave she was disappointed, so I suggested that we go and visit her Nanna and Grandad who lived around the corner, and this cheered her up, we were there a little while before my stomach started to feel a little off, so I suggested to her that we go home. Today 2 years later Alethea and I went grocery shopping by ourselves once again, and it was while at the shops that an eerie feeling of been here done that came over me. This year I bought Liam an icecream cake (as we have just had Will’s birthday and he had 2 normal cakes over the space of a couple of weeks so I thought icecream would be better suited) at the register the lady commented “Oh your having a party, is it your birthday?”  and Alethea replied to her that it was her baby brothers birthday and that he was 2, and that she also had another brother Will who had just turned 1, and all I was thinking was please don’t comment on how close they are together, please don’t tell me I have my hands full as I didn’t think that I had the strength in me to explain this one away today. Everything that I felt 2 years ago, I have felt today, and I feel sorry for my former self wanting everything to be perfect, wanting to make everyone happy before our new baby came, I’d had my hair and nails done to look nice for the photos, I’d spent days fixing up Ryan’s old car to make it look nicer as mine was too small for 2 kids and at that time we couldn’t afford a new car, I’d put new tyres on it, fixed the interior roof, arranged for the windows to be tinted, taken it for a service and spent a long time buffing and making it look nice, I can’t tell you how much I hated the sight of that car after we lost Liam, but I hated it, it stood for everything that I wanted and couldn’t have, it, out of everything that we owned, it reminded me of what I no longer had. Before we had Will, I didn’t have my hair done, still now to this day I very rarely get my hair done, it reminds me that I was superficial before I had Liam, it reminds me that I took his life for granted, it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t make it, it never entered into my mind that I was going home from hospital without my baby. Before we had Will, I made sure I got rid of Ryan’s old car, there was no way I was having that anywhere near me.

It’s odd how a birthday brings back all of what happened 2 years ago, I remember the trip into hospital vividly well, I remember telling Ryan not to speed, that I was only in early stages of labour, I should have told him to run every red light, I should have told him to speed, but I remember clearly telling him to slow down, that I was fine….of course I was fine, it was Liam who wasn’t, I thought of me and only me and no one else. I remember rounding the very last corner to the hospital and hearing a SIDS advertisement come on the radio, (I think it’s the only one I have heard both before and after Liam’s death) and I remember not wanting to listen to it as I was about to have a baby, no new mother really wants to think that their baby could die. I remember the contractions and how painful they were, I remember Every. Single. One of them, I remember a friend telling me before I had Liam to think of the contractions as a good thing, every contraction was bringing me closer to meeting my new baby, to visualise the contraction and it would help me see that it wasn’t that painful so every contraction I thought of what she had told me, every contraction I told myself was good, in reality every contraction was killing him, every contraction was leading him closer to his death.

I remember the coldness of the room that we were in while I was in labour, I remember shivering, I remember being scared as I didn’t think I could stop shivering while the anaesthetist put the epidural in, I remember Ryan wasn’t holding my hand, he had gone out of the room and I was alone when that was done, I remember being scared, I don’t know why I was scared, it certainly hadn’t entered my mind that my baby was in serious trouble, as no one was running around, I thought of it as a ‘routine’ emergency C section, so many people seem to have emergency C sections without complication that I thought of it as routine with nothing to fear, but I do remember being scared

One of the biggest things I remember is being ecstatic when Ryan told me we had a boy, the painful labour in the scheme of things was relatively short, and we had a beautiful boy to bring home for his big sister, we were now what I thought of in my mind as a ‘proper’ family that is mum/dad and 2 kids we were the dream and I remember being overjoyed with happiness for all of 1 minute.

There are so many things that I wish I had of done different leading up to Liams birth and after he was born, but you can’t change the past. I know that I love him with everything that I am, I know that given the chance I would trade places with him, I know that he was the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on.

The lead up to Liam’s birthday (when I say lead up, I am meaning the last 2-3days) has not been good this year for me, last year I was so busy with a new baby that I let the busyness overtake me and I didn’t feel like I do this year. This year is hard, and I know that my patience with Alethea and Will is not what it should be, I listen to myself and I find myself wanting to change what I have just said to them, the last 2 days I haven’t been the mum that I promised Liam I would be and I see that, acknowledge it and promise that I will try and be better.

Most of all I remember the absolute love I had/have for this little boy, I remember the love that I felt when they put him in my arms, I remember kissing him and telling him how much I wanted him to stay, how much I loved him and telling him it was ok to go, I remember his last breath a raspy/peaceful breath that said help me mum I can’t do it anymore and I remember him going absolutely still in my arms.

It’d odd the things that we think of on a birthday, if you are a mum, chances are you think of your birth story for your kids in the same way as I have thought of Liam’s, I haven’t been consciously thinking of it to make myself sad, it’s just something that we as mums do on our kids birthdays

To my beautiful boy who is sliding down rainbows and jumping on clouds

Happy 2^nd birthday for tomorrow, I love you to the stars and back, the moon and back and the sun and back, I miss you every single day and wish that you were here with us xxxxx

The most precious 20mins of my life, cuddles with our little boy while he was alive.