Missing Liam

About Me

My name is Amanda, and I live in Sydney Australia on the Northern Beaches. I am hopeless with computers

8 years ago I met the man of my dreams, I knew that I was going to marry him from the 3rd date. Ryan and I were infatuated with each other from the start. When he would call me or even just hold my hand the hair would stand up on my skin, he proposed to me at the Sydney Opera House, bent down on one knee and said “Amanda, you are the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate will you marry me” and it was a BIG yes from me! He was romantic, he was funny, he was the smartest person I have ever known, he was my best friend, he was my protector, and he still is. We were married 6 years ago and had a beautiful fairy tale wedding, our reception was held at the same place that Nicole and Keith Urban got married (they were married a month before us, but I am sure we had our booking for a lot longer than they did!) It was the most magical and best night of my life, I became his wife and he my husband, and we will be together till death do us part

Our Wedding at St Patrick's Estate at Manly

Our Wedding at St Patrick’s Estate at Manly

We had our first born child, a daughter Alethea in the October of 2008. She is beautiful, she is a princess, she is strong willed, she is outgoing, but can be shy, she has more energy than Ryan and I put together and she is way smarter than me (or so she thinks!)

My Beautiful munchkin Alethea and me

My Beautiful munchkin Alethea and me

On June 26, 2012 I gave birth to our second child a boy we named Liam, he was beautiful, he was perfect, he lived 3 hours and then was taken from this world. Our perfect world was thrown upside down and I was not sure how to cope, and I am still learning how to cope with having a “dead baby” who has a dead baby?

I am hopeless with computers. I started this blog to help friends and family understand the journey that we are going through, and hopefully if they find themselves in the position of dealing with another person who loses a baby will be better equipped with knowledge on the depth of despair a parent goes through. My blog details all our emotions that we went through soon after birth, and I’ll keep writing until I have told Liam’s whole story. There is so much to tell with his story, no it doesn’t end with his death, that is just the beginning. I will fight for Liam, to let the world know how much I loved him for as long as I can, I will fight so that his death is not in vain.

My blog is a simple one, it is our journey, it is not flashy, it does not have all the extra things to click on…..I am hopeless with computers, before writing this blog I had only ever read one other blog! I know nothing of computers, so please don’t expect a piece of art! I will post around once a week, it is quite mentally exhausting reliving our darkest moments. My blog is our story.

The Hospitals hand out a lot of brochures after your baby dies…One happily lets you know that after the death of a baby 90% of marriages fail……watch this space, the love of my life and I will be the 10% that stay together, he is my everything, my family is my life, without them I am nothing…..I am still infatuated!

Fly high little Liam, Mummy loves you xx

37 Comments

  1. Georgie Ross

    Hi Amanda
    I had my first born son 6 years ago. His name was William. He was beautiful and ever so sweet. I think about him every day with so much love. He lived for 2 hours and those hours with his little cry along with the softness of his skin will be forever etched into my memory. I also talk about being able to rewind and live it all again just to smell him and kiss him and hug him and love him that bit more. My marriage has remained intact and it is stronger than it ever was….I look forward to reading your journey that is heartbreaking and full of sooooooo much love. xoxo

    • Georgie,
      All I have to do is close my eyes and I can remember his smell and softness! Sorry for the loss of William, I am glad though that your marriage is still so strong, that’s very comforting and makes me happy for you
      Amanda x

  2. Lisa Fricker

    Stay strong for each other. We lost our daughter Emily in 2004, the pain does get easier but never goes away. Take care xx

    • Hi Lisa,
      Sorry for your loss, it is comforting to know that the pain will get easier,
      sending love your way
      Amanda x

  3. Amanda. I have to say, I admire your courage in writing down such an honest account of what you have been (and are still going) through. Liam is so beautiful. I have cried a lot while reading your posts. They are so touching and honest, and your writing of them shows how much strength you have, and reflects the sheer volume of love you have for your special little boy. To partially answer the question “Who has a dead baby? Who does this?” We do. My wife and I. We lost our little boy Noah in 2007 when he was 6 months old. We are so lucky to have had that time with him, and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is to have lost your little boy the way you did, so suddenly, so unexpectedly. Some of the things you have written resonate with me, and it’s like you have taken things that I have felt and wrote them down with incredible accuracy. There really is nothing I can say to make you feel better, so I just want to let you know that you, Ryan, Alethea and Liam are in our thoughts and prayers.

    One final thing too. I also read of the high divorce rate in couples who have lost a child, but on further research, I’ve found (to my relief), that it is actually quite the opposite. Study’s have shown that divorce rate is actually much lower (~16%) than the average for couples who have lost children. You can read a bit more here (http://www.compassionatefriends.org/CMSFiles/X101206Press_Release_Survey,_Divorce-National.pdf ). I hope this helps you in some little way.

    Thank you for writing these posts.
    Brett.

    • Hi Brett,
      I am sorry for the loss of Noah, I think to lose a baby after 6 months would be devastating, to have known their little personality and then have them taken is horrible.
      I love that you have found a lower rate of divorce that gives me comfort, and I will read the link you have sent
      Amanda x

  4. Lou

    Amanda, I read your posts and kept saying to myself ‘what could I ever say to this strong, brave, courageously honest woman to let her know how much I am moved, with an emotion so raw I can’t even begin to describe?’ I came to realise there is nothing I can say but thankyou, thankyou for being so open, thankyou for sharing what can only be your darkest moments. I have cried openly for the past 2 hours, telling myself I can’t read another, but unable to stop.
    Thankyou for allowing me a greater understanding.
    Lou

    • Hi Lou,
      Thank you for reading our story, I have said it a few times, but it really is so comforting that people know that Liam lived and was loved, I am so privileged to have carried him and to have been his mum and although I will never be able to share the normal milestones that a baby would have I can share his story, and hopefully make him proud of us.
      Amanda x

  5. melissa

    Amanda,
    Your blog is magnificent…… I came across it via Heartfelt (photographers) and have been moved to floods of tears more than once reading your entries. Thank you for being so honest and willing to share your experiences… I wish you and your family well…and much happiness and healing. Your children are beautiful.

    • Melissa,
      Thanks for your lovely comments, yes I agree my children are gorgeous (I think you are the first person to say that I have ‘children’ that’s sort of nice!
      Amanda

  6. Dear Amanda,
    From a complete stranger across the country I wanted to thank you for your beautiful, exceedingly brave blog.

    I am a photographer and a member of Heartfelt. I am also a mother of two children and in the process of attempting to adopt a third.

    I joined Heartfelt because, for me, the photos of my children are some of my most important possessions. The thought of someone being left without special images of their child is why I volunteered.

    Your blog is so very open and honest about your experiences. Thank you for sharing such a painful, heartrending time. I know your thoughts will help others in your situation and others trying to support loved ones going through what you are going through now. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your little boy is so very beautiful.

    With Love,
    Shevaun.
    xxxxxxx

    • Hi Shevaun,
      Thankyou for being one of the amazing people who gives people like us beautiful photos to cherish for a lifetime. I do hope that my blog in one way or another helps others. I know I am biased, but I agree Liam was very beautiful!
      Amanda x

  7. Hi Amanda,
    Well done with your blog – it has to be said, given that you’re very clearly not good with computers… it definitely does not look like it.
    I had twins on 1 Sept 2011 and my little Amya Mirica died on her 3rd day of life. Her identical twin sister Ananda Mae is now 1 year and 1 week old and a happy healthy energetic toddler. My grief was intense, having also to deal with my mum’s suicide in January 2012, just 4,5 months after giving birth and dealing with losing our child.
    Having said all that, it’s now been a year since and I have the perspective of time. It is getting easier but the moments of despair still visit us.
    I’ve written many notes on my facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/nhimmelrich/notes) which you’re welcome to read and some on my blog (http://reachforthesky.wordpress.com/) – if you’d like to read another blog… Not sure whether the notes on Facebook are public, otherwise you might need to connect with me (and join Facebook as your next step in computer technology).

    Given the response of my friends and family they’ve asked me again and again to write a book. Well, I have NO IDEA how to write a book so I took your blog as an inspiration to write a specialized blog on the (grieving) process that I’ve been going through. Here it is: http://hopeforpassion.wordpress.com/
    Walking the path with you.
    All Love, Nathalie

    • Nathalie
      Your blogs are amazing! I had a look at both of them this morning. You have had a lot to deal with and I’m not sure how you cope with grieving one child and being so excited about another….that’s a whole different story.
      Amanda x

      • ‘You don’t really know how to deal with something unless you experience it, and even then it’s only ever YOUR experience.’
        This was my deepest insight, living through my own experience after having worked with numerous people (in my counselling and coaching practice) experiencing the loss of a child or the loss of another loved one. Nothing, really not even my training nor my professional experience could have ever prepared me for my own experience.
        Lots of Love and keep going xxx

  8. Candice

    Dear Amanda and family,

    I came across your Blog while I was reading over my University Facebook group site.
    I am studying Midwifery and for the past three years I have been on an amazing journey as a ‘Student Midwife’, following my heart. I have had some truly amazing experiences whilst being with women and their families throughout their pregnancies and their babies births.
    You are probably wandering where I am going with this post and well I just wanted to let you know that you have brought an entire year group of student Midwives to tears by sharing your experience of losing your beautiful cherub Liam. Amanda I want you to know that you should be incredibly proud of your baby boy and that his death should never be looked upon in vein, because your little boy has given an incredibly important gift to a future generation of Midwives, this is the gift of empathy and understanding.
    As student Midwives we learn about ‘babies not making it’ and I think this is a fear for many student midwives to be involved with the care of women and families who loose their babies during pregnancy, labour and birth. For me this fear is because no matter how much you are taught from a text book, nothing can give you an insight into exactly how to help and support a mother and family through the death of their baby whether expected or not. I have constantly searched literature and internet sights to equip myself with knowledge regarding how to care for and support women and families through the loss of their babies and no single piece of literature or internet sight had ever given me enough knowledge to feel competent in how I could support these women and their families, however after reading your blog I finally understand why the abundance of literature was never enough and was always lacking something and this was because the information was always written as “third person” which I found it only ever told me how ‘we think a mother/father/family feel and what ‘we think should be done to support these people and how we think they would want to be supported through their babies death’, never as honest and raw as your blog. Your bravery and strength in sharing your journey, personal thoughts and emotions have answered many of the questions people are too afraid to ask of a mother who has lost her baby, questions about her thoughts and feelings, about her baby’s birth and the care she wanted and received, this list of questions are abundant. For me I was too afraid to ask these questions due to my fear that I would contribute to the woman’s pain of loosing her baby. Thank you for sharing Liam’s journey with us Amanda.

    Kindest Regards,
    Candice.

    • Candice,
      Thank you so much for your lovely words, I am glad that I have given you a little insight into ‘our world’ it is not a nice place to be. For me…I wanted staff to acknowledge my baby, to look us in the eye, not cast their eyes away, to cry if they couldn’t hold it in, to be cheery if that’s what they needed, but not to be sullen or melancholy. We needed staff to look after us, you know get a cup of tea for us, learn how we liked it ie with milk or sugar and then periodically just bring us one cause they could. We didn’t want to move or do things for ourselves, our grief overtook us. Our nurses who looked after us post birth were sensational. Thanks for wanting to learn how to handle and look after people like us. I hope your class weren’t too distressed, please thank them for taking the time to read our journey
      Love to you
      Amanda x

  9. Emma

    Dear Amanda, thankyou for sharing your story. As a mother of a still born baby so much of what you write is how i felt and your lastest entry about Liems furernal reminds me of Sarah’s and how i cant remeber the details even the weather on the day. You are speical person to be able to share your feeling and story with the whole world and know that what you write is helping other who have not gone through this know what us mum’s and dad’s are feeling.
    i wish you all the best
    Emma xxxx

    • Hi Emma,
      Thanks for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss of Sarah, a tragedy that no family should have to endure.
      Love and strength to you

      Amanda x

  10. Melissa

    Amanda, there are no words that I can say… I could not stop my tears for you and your beautiful baby boy. Thank you for sharing your story, Liam would be very proud of his mummy xx you are in my thoughts and prayers xx

    • Hi Melissa,
      I hope as you say Liam is proud of is family, because we are so proud of him, thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers
      Amanda x

  11. Rachael McCabe

    Amanda

    Your journey is just one of the most touching and heartbreaking stories.. I have 2 children after reading your incredible story of your beautiful boy. It gave me a reminder too cherish each day..
    Wishing you all the best for your future and remember to never give up liam will always be the brightest star at night for your family

    Rachael x

    • Hi Rachael,
      One of my good friends gave me a star named in honour of Liam, it’s called “Eternal Liam” and I love the thought that he is the brightest star in the sky. Liam has also reminded me that I need to cherish each day, I hope I am a better mum for Alethea, and I try not to let all those “little things” get to me, life’s so short it’s not worth it! Cuddle your 2 little ones close and tell them always how much you love and adore them…just because you can! Love to you and your family
      Amanda x

  12. Hi Amanda
    I found your blog via Heartfelt’s FB page. I too had a Liam who was born with his wings at 20 weeks most unexpectedly He was a twin and it was one of the most traumatic times I have ever been through. I had gone into the hospital with ??? an infection but everything went a bit haywire and I ended up delivering my baby in the toilet in my room on a Gynae ward . Poor wee Liam …. I had no idea that I was even having contractions Thought I just had bad tummy pain. Got back into my bed not really sure what had happened Buzzed the nurses and said ” I think I have had a baby” and yip sure enough I had All the alarms were set off and it was all very crazy I must of had every Dr in the Maternity area come in and check me out They were making sure that Ollie ( Liam’s twin brother ) was still ok In some sense I was lucky that everything had stopped and Ollie was deciding to stay put. They placed my wee Liam in a stainless steel tray and covered him with a green cloth and left him in my bathroom No one mentioned or talked about him They left him there till the morning and then took him away. No one asked me if I wanted to hold him, or see him or anything No one came to see me No one asked me if I wanted some photos of him He was a perfect baby but just very tiny. I think they thought I would be ok because I still had Ollie but I wasnt I was devestated I tried to be brave and hold everything in and act like it was ok But it wasnt …. I so so so wish I had a photo of him or a foot print or a hand print.
    I was lying in bed a few hours after it happened in the dark I sneaked out of my bed and went into the bathroom and sat with him on the floor holding his little hand He was very soft I was so worried I would break him

    I regret everyday that we dont have anything of him We have created a lovely memory wall in our home with a lovely granite plaque with his name and the day he got his wings along with a poem that says “I loved you then, I love you still, I always have, I always will

    To this day 6 years on I still have no idea how much he weighed, how long he was. But I do have the everlasting memory of holding his little tiny perfect hand for such a wee moment in time.
    I think if I had been on the maternity ward they may have thought to get someone to come and see me I so hope the protocols have changed .

    Thankyou so much for sharing your journey I am sure you Liam is watching over you everyday just as mine is

    All my love

    Jodie

    New Zealand

    • Oh Jodie,
      What a horrible experience you had at the hospital you went to! Not only losing your precious baby but to have nothing to remember him by except you own precious memories is heartbreaking. I am very happy that Ollie stayed with you, but that will never take away your loss of Liam.
      Sending love to you
      Amanda x

  13. Amanda and Ryan,

    I found your blog through the heartfelt FB page and I clicked on it without really considering what I was about to read. I have had to take a few days to read your blog as each entry had me so overwhelmed that i had to walk away and gather my thoughts. My baby girl has been a bit smothered with hugs and kisses over the last few days, but reading your entries has made me even more aware of how precious every second with her is. I cannot even begin to imagine how you manage to live through what you have been through, let alone write about it. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story with the world, thank you for having the strength to do this and thank you for your honesty. And thank you for telling us Liams story, his funeral was held on my birthday and I know I will think of him and your family every year, your story has truly touched me. I have no doubt in my mind that your brave little angel is watching over your family and will until the day you meet again.

    Caitlin

    • Thank you Caitlin for your lovely words. To say that you will think of my little boy on your birthday is just beautiful! It is very hard living without Liam, but we have no choice, and there are so many other people who also go through the same thing that we are going through but just aren’t as vocal about it. Yes life is very precious, treasure every day with your baby girl just because you can!!
      Love to you
      Amanda x

  14. Amanda,
    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. I lost two babies last year, one at 19 weeks and the other at 22 weeks and I still find it so hard to talk about my experiences and like yours I had good and bad experience before and after my losses. Your heartfelt words have been a healing to my soul and I thank you for your bravery and courage. I pray for that comfort will find you.
    Jess

    • Hi Jess
      I am so sorry that you have lost 2 of your babies, that is just horrible. It gives me comfort that what we have written has been healing for you, that is lovely. Sending strength and love to you
      Amanda x

  15. Rachael Thomas-Girdwood

    Dear Amanda,
    I have read your blog regularly since it was posted on the Heartfelt Facebook page. As a mother myself of a 6 month old girl, your families story has touched me so deeply. I just wanted to let you know that the bravery of you to share Liams story with the world is extraordinary, and the strength of you and your husband in the weeks since this tragedy is nothing short of amazing. I can not imagine the loss of a child and it breaks my heart to even try. Liams short life will be remembered by the many lives that this blog touches.

    Stay strong x

    • Thanks Rachael, the words you have written to us mean a lot, it is nice to know that people will remember Liam. Congratulations on your little girl, treasure each minute with her, as many people have probably already told you, time goes so fast!
      Love to you and your family
      Amanda x

  16. Toni

    Dear Amanda

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has touched my heart and moved me in a way that I cannot describe, with so many tears in my eyes right now that I can hardly see the keys.

    I just wanted to let you know that by telling your story, you have generated an enormous tidal wave of love, empathy and understanding in a community of people you will never meet (online). That truly is a beautiful way to honour little Liam’s life. A precious life that has touched so many hearts and given complete strangers the gift of love – a gift more valuable than gold.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
    My prayers go out to your family of 4.
    Toni

    • Hi Toni,
      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for those lovely words. It makes me very happy that Liam’s little life has touched so many people and that from time to time people will think of our little boy. Thank you for your prayers
      Love to you
      Amanda x

  17. Hello Amanda,

    My name is Karen. I only found this blog because I was googling my children’s names to see what pics came up. My youngest is a daughter called Alethea. I don’t know why I clicked on your picture, but I have been spending the last hour reading your first weeks blogs and crying my eyes out.

    I have experienced two miscarriages myself, one of them at sixteen weeks gestation. I already had four children at the time, and it devastated me, so I can’t even begin to fathom what you have been through.

    My Alethea is a beautiful, intelligent 18 year old about to begin her first year of university. Your Alethea is equally beautiful and sounds equally intelligent. I am burning a candle for you and your beautiful family tonight. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

    Karen

    • Hi Karen,
      It is funny how many people have never heard of the name Alethea before, I think it is such a beautiful name, and my Alethea really does suit her name, I can’t imagine her as anything else! I hope my Alethea grows up just like yours has. Thanks for reading our journey and for burning a candle for our family. I hope your Alethea enjoys her first year of Uni, I know that I loved my first year, it was the first time that I was studying because I chose to do it, and for me that made such a difference (although I was ‘good’ at school, I never really loved school purely because I HAD to do it!)
      Thanks for taking the time to write to us
      Amanda x

      • Christina

        Dear Amanda,

        I am so sorry for your loss. I read your story through Facebook. Your such an amazing woman, so strong. Liam is so beautiful! My aunt lost a daughter about ten years ago, she lived for three days. Sadly they new something was wrong, but they didn’t want to terminate her pregnancy. I couldn’t imagine losing a baby so sudden. Sending love and prayers to you and your very beautiful family.

      • Hi Christina,
        Thanks for you lovely message. Before we had Liam I didn’t understand how people could continue a pregnancy when they knew that their baby would not make it, now I have had him I totally get it. (Even though we never knew that Liam wouldn’t stay) because I would rather have gone through 9 months of pregnancy and held him in my arms for 20mins then to have never have met him, he has changes my world, my thought on life and has made me a better person/mum and wife, I wish every day that he had stayed with us, but I don’t regret for 1 second having carried him for 9months to only have him for such a short time.
        Thanks for you love and prayers
        Amanda x

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