Missing Liam

A Tiny White Coffin

After seeing Liam in the funeral home, Ryan and I returned home as we had our pastor Sylvia coming to our house to go over what was going to happen the next day at the funeral. We didn’t do an order of service, I’m not sure why we didn’t, maybe it was because there was only going to be family there, maybe it was because arranging one seemed like too much effort for Ryan and I to manage, but by the time she had left we knew exactly what would happen and were content with everything.

That afternoon we visited the local mall, we wanted to print and frame a photo of Liam to put next to his casket, some of our family had not seen Liam, and some had only seen him for a couple of minutes, so we wanted to share with everyone just how beautiful he was. We also wanted to buy Alethea something special to wear for the day, which was very hard, we went from shop to shop searching for a beautiful dress for her but even though it was the middle of winter, most of the winter dresses had already been replaced with summer ones and the winter ones that were left were horrible. After visiting what seemed like every shop in the mall we finally found her a gorgeous tan coloured dress with a beautiful light pink coat, and we bought her little pink boots with a butterfly on the side of them to match. After all that walking I was quite fatigued and sore (being only 7 days since my Caesar) so went home for a lie down on the lounge, before our little bundle of energy returned to us that afternoon, we needed to be mummy and daddy for her, she needed us, and we had to step up and be there for her. Ryan also decided that afternoon that rather than getting my brother to say something at the funeral (which we hadn’t even asked him to do yet) that he needed to say something, he said to me ‘I am Liam’s dad, if I can’t say something at my sons funeral no one should, I would regret not saying something for the rest of my life’ so he sat down and prepared his speech.

I had been in contact with my sister in law to ask if she was bringing my nieces (I have 3 adorable nieces aged at the time 8, 6 and 4) I told her it was totally up to her if they came, I understood if they were not there because death at any age is hard to handle, let alone for 3 little girls. She asked me if Alethea was going which I replied yes, she told me that they felt the girls would be ok if they were at the funeral but said ‘I will take them straight out of the service if they muck around at all’ I tried but failed to let her know it really didn’t bother me if they “mucked around” because kids will be kids, and this was Liam’s funeral and he was only a baby and I understood that kids aren’t always well behaved, I was unsure even how Alethea was going to go. I was very happy that my nieces would be there because I was quite conscious that although I wanted Alethea to be at the funeral, she would also see Ryan and I very upset, along with her grandparents, and I thought that her nieces would be a good distraction for her afterwards when we came home from the cemetery. I was very lucky that both Ryan’s and my family were happy to provide all the food for after the funeral, catering for people was definitely something that I wasn’t capable of at that point. In a way I went to bed slightly anticipating/looking forward to the next day, I thought that once we had said our final goodbyes to Liam and put him to rest I would be able to start the “healing” process, but I was also dreading it, I tried to envisage in my mind the coffin in the chapel, and I tried to envisage watching Liam’s coffin being lowered in to the ground just so that it would be a little easier for me tomorrow, but each time I thought about it I started to cry and nothing could have prepared me for exactly what it felt like.

We woke early on July 4th to get ready for the funeral, I had written a list the night before of things that I didn’t want to forget, my brain was such a mess that even simple things were easy forgotten, they included flowers (family had given 30 beautiful white roses and we wanted to hand them out to everyone to lay on Liam’s coffin) Alethea’s envelope, she had drawn a picture for Liam, it was of mummy, daddy and her and baby Liam in the sky and she had written “to Liam, love Alethea” on it, she had spent a long time the evening before preparing it (most of her drawings now include Liam as part of our family which is lovely). I also needed the poem I was going to say and the letter that I had written to Liam to place in with his casket, we needed to remember the photo, Ryan’s speech, sunglasses and tissues. My parents had told us that they would arrive at our house really early that morning, because we live around 50km away from each other, and given that 9am was the only service time available for that day they needed to leave their house very early in the morning to avoid peak hour, so I had figured that while Ryan and I got ready that they would be helping us get Alethea ready and looking after her while we gathered our thoughts. I’m not sure what kept them that morning, probably the traffic I forgot to ask, but they arrived with only around 5 minutes to spare before we needed to leave, so Ryan and I had to get everything ready as well as look after our little munchkin and try to calm her, she was nervous because she could tell that we were nervous, and she was excited because she was going to see her cousins who she adored, and she was excited because we had let her chose a bag of lollies and some chips that she could share with her cousins after the funeral, back at our house.

We drove in silence to the cemetery; it’s an eerie feeling driving to your baby’s funeral. It was a really cold day. I looked nice, Alethea looked very gorgeous, and Ryan as always looked fantastic. The drive up to Frenchs Forest took a lot less time than we anticipated so we were around half an hour early. My aunty and uncle were already there, they hugged us and told us how sorry they were for our loss, I thanked them both for coming (it’s a very long way from their house) then whispered to my aunty that I had asked her there mainly because I needed her to be strong for my mum, I needed her to look after mum because I was not capable of doing it, she nodded with tears in her eyes knowing exactly what to do. It was so very cold; steam was coming out of our mouths when we breathed. Alethea wanted to go inside, so I walked up the small hill to the chapel with her. Alan stood at the door with a little book to write our names in. I wrote mine (Amanda-mummy) and then asked Alethea to write hers as well. The entrance to the chapel was not at the back, but at the front. Liam’s coffin was right in front of us as we entered and you had to walk by it to sit down. I placed his photo right next to his coffin and Alethea asked me which side his head was. I pointed out where his head was and told her to remember it was only his body, that who he was inside was already in heaven ‘Ok mummy’. I felt very relieved that I had seen Liam in the coffin the day before; I knew he was comfortable, and as I had already seen the coffin it was not as much of a shock as it would have been if I had seen it for the first time that morning. Slowly more people arrived, Ryan was still outside, he had not yet ventured in, he had thought the longer he waited outside the longer it took for him to face reality, he did not want to enter the chapel, he couldn’t bear to witness what was about to happen. Our pastor was the last person to arrive and we met her outside and had to tell her that instead of asking my brother to say something, Ryan had decided that he would take that place and talk to his little boy. I could see that people were settling themselves inside so I went back in, to my surprise as I entered in, Alethea was telling anyone who would listen what was happening in her own way ‘Liam is in the coffin, this is where his head is and this is where his feet are, I have given him a dum dum and it’s here, I have given him a blue teddy as well, and we are going to bury baby Liam, but don’t worry it’s only his body in the coffin, Liam has gone to heaven, but he will always be in here’ and as she said that she put her hand on her heart, and she repeated it a few times ‘Liam is here, he will always be in here’ holding her hand on her heart the whole time, I have asked all our family if they had told her that and everyone denies having said that to her, we had only told her that he was in heaven, we never said that he would be in her heart, but this is how she understood it, and this is how she told everyone, she was so loving in the way she said it and for those few minutes she was the proud big sister introducing everyone to her baby brother, she showed them the photo of Liam and said ‘this is Liam, my brother’ poor little poppet, what 3 year old should have to proudly present their baby brother to the family in a coffin…it’s not right.

We sit down, there were four chairs to a row and I offer Alethea to sit with her cousins up the back, it didn’t bother me if they were a little noisy, I just wanted her there, but instead of sitting with her cousins (which she thinks the world of) she chose to sit at the front with Ryan and I, my brother asked my 8yr old niece (Brielle) if she would sit up the front next to Alethea to keep her company and she agrees, so it went in order me, Ryan, Alethea then Brielle. Alethea knew that we were upset and hardly said a word throughout the whole service (except for asking Ryan if she was allowed to dance when the first song was played, to which Ryan answered ‘not here’) she did however sit on either Ryan’s or my lap for the whole service, trying to feel safe and secure, so for most of the time my 8 year old niece sat by herself with an empty chair next to her, right up the front of the chapel, right next to Liam’s coffin,  not saying a word, which I think is an extremely brave and courageous thing to do, whether she realised just how horrible this funeral was or what was happening, being only 8 I am not sure, but she sat there and didn’t say a word and didn’t move or cry, she was so extremely brave for her age, and I was extremely proud of her.

The service began with Tears in Heaven, then there was a quick welcome followed by me, and I got up to say the poem. As I stood there, saying a poem didn’t feel like enough, I looked at the people in the room and I said ‘what can I say at the funeral of my baby, I find it so hard to believe he is not here and can’t understand how something so perfect could be taken from us I have no words to describe what I feel’ I looked at Liam’s casket and said ‘You tell everyone up there that mummy says take good care of you and give you cuddles and kisses, but you tell them that their time with you is short, and when mummy gets up there look out… I will cuddle and kiss you forever and never let you go’ and I start to read my poem, and as I did I forget all the rest of the people in the room and it was just me and my little boy, I was talking to him, I don’t remember looking at anyone, I don’t know if anyone was crying, I don’t know of anything else that happened while I talked, I just remember the silence, the coldness and me and my boy. I finished and sat down and then Ryan was invited up to say what he had prepared. I nursed Alethea on my lap while her daddy bravely stood up, and for the second time in my life I saw a broken dad. My husband is very tall, and normally holds his height very well, but looking at him here he was hunched, deflated, broken. He spoke to my little boy with tears in his eyes the whole time, telling him all the things he wanted to do with him, telling him how perfect he was and how much he loved him, how much his sister loved him and had looked forward to him being here and how much his mum loved him, this time I had eyes only for my husband, feeling his pain, wanting to take it away, and eyes for my little boy who daddy was talking to and my little girl who watched not quite understanding why her dad looked so upset, yet she sat totally still and didn’t say a word, again I had no idea what the rest of the people in the room were doing, I was in a cocoon of just me, Ryan, Alethea and Liam and noticed nothing else. Ryan finishes and sits back down next to me and our love song starts “Angel” I had hoped that this wouldn’t make me sad, that it would steady me, and to my surprise that is exactly what it did, I had been a mess when Ryan was talking, but hearing our song, calmed me, it steadied my soul and warmed me all the way to my bones, and I closed my eyes thinking about our love, Ryan’s and my love for each other, our love for Alethea and our love for our little boy Liam. The pastor Sylvia rose to give her message, and I don’t remember too much of it, only her saying that Liam was already safe in heaven and that we would see him again one day and I sat looking at my little boys coffin and felt the numbness overtake my whole body again, the day did not feel real, the chapel was surreal, the coldness was overbearing, the coffin was not right it was too tiny, too white, who has a dead baby, who does this? My ears start to ring and I can hear nothing. I don’t know what happened for the rest of the service, I really don’t, but I was brought back to reality when Savage Garden started over the stereo, and I was aware that people around me were starting to rise….that was it, my little boys service was over, that was all he was given, it wasn’t long, it wasn’t filled with hundreds of people, there were no long eulogies given, he was denied the right to shine in this world, he was denied the right to life-long friendships, to happiness, to life itself, but he did have a mum and dad and big sister who loved him for all of his life, loved for every movement inside me, and for the hours that he lived outside of my tummy he had a mummy and daddy who willed him to live, who sent all their love to him across the room to the table where they worked on him, and he had a mummy and daddy who because they loved him so much kissed him and cuddled him goodbye and told him it was ok to go, and poured a lifetime of love into 20 short minutes.

Ryan walks a metre in front of him and lifts Liam’s tiny coffin, he cradles his little boy in his arms one last time and walks out to the awaiting funeral car, slowly and gently he lays his little boy down in the car, kisses his fingers and places them upon Liam’s casket, no daddy should have to carry their sons coffin, ever. Ryan, Alethea and I hop into the car and drive around to the baby lawn while the rest of the family walked slowly behind the car carrying Liam. It wasn’t a long walk, but a walk that I was not capable of doing for 2 reasons; firstly because I had the Caesar only 1 week ago and secondly my legs would not have held me up for that walk, I would have collapsed en-route. We arrive at the baby lawn and there are a few chairs set up and a small marquee, and at the spot where we chose to put Liam to rest a rectangular hole had been dug. White roses are handed to everyone and Ryan places Liam’s casket over the hole on some makeshift platform and the pastor again says some words, I cannot focus on what she says, Ryan has Alethea in his arms and uses his left arm to embrace me, then we watch as Alan lowers Liam’s coffin into the ground and I scream with pain and burst into tears, ‘no, no, no’ I hysterically sob into Ryan’s chest and can’t control myself at all, I had tried to envisage this over the past 24hrs but now that it is here no amount of thinking about it could prepare me for the devastation that I feel, my heart was torn in 2 at that moment and the pain is something that cannot be described in words.

Everyone takes turns putting their rose in with Liam’s coffin, I give Alethea her letter that she wrote to Liam and she took that and her white rose and let it fall from her hands onto the coffin, ‘there you go baby Liam, that’s my letter to you’ I stand with her and my husband and place my letter in with my little boy, kiss my rose and let if fall, Ryan does the same with his, I look down to his tiny coffin and see his name engraved on a silver tab, my little Liam, and it hits me, we are leaving our baby in a coffin in the ground, how did it come to this.

Realising that the “official” part to the funeral is now finished, Alethea becomes a 3 year old again and runs up excitedly to her cousins and Ryan and I are left alone, he supported me more than I did him, and he used his strength to guide me away, I was not even capable of supporting my own weight, and the coldness stayed with us that whole day.

Close to the entrance of the cemetery, its so peaceful with sun peeping in through the trees

The entrance to the Baby Lawn

42 Comments

  1. reading this with tears pouring down… what a courageous mother you are. Just so sorry for what you have endured. What a beautiful tribute to Liam this day was, and Alethea just the proudest sister, its just so heartbreakingly gorgoeus xx

    • Yes Kate, Alethea is a very proud sister, I feel for her each and every day that she has missed out on the friendship and love that her brother would have showered on her, and her on him.
      Amanda x

  2. Beautifully written- tears are rolling as i read every blog. You are all so brave and what a perfect tribute to Liam. xxx

    • Hi Kandice,
      Thanks for your lovely words, I hope Liam looks down on his mummy, daddy and big sister and is very proud of us!
      Amanda x

  3. Nikki

    My heart is breaking for you all. Beautifully written thank you again for sharing something so personal and heartbreaking for you. Going to give my two boys a big hug and putting out a big hug for you all.

    • Yes Nikki, give those boys of yours a great big hug! Thanks for reading our journey
      Amanda x

  4. Danni

    I too had tears streaming down as i read on… You are such a brave and courageous woman. Thank you for sharing with us your pain, you have written beautiful words about your angel. My love, thoughts and prayers go out to you all xx

    • Hi Danni,
      Thanks for your beautiful words, and the love and prayers that you have been sending. I’m not convinced of the ‘brave and courageous’ yet, it helps me to write down my feelings and it’s also a little selfish of me, I want everyone to know how much I love Liam, and if I don’t tell his story, no one will, I like to think that lots of people know how much he meant to us.
      Amanda x

  5. Louise Lang

    My heart is aching so much for you all. As I read this my little baby is sleeping peacefully next to me in our bed… Thank you for reminding me how lucky we are to have healthy, breathing children. RIP Baby Liam xxxx

    • Hi Louise,
      Treasure every moment with your baby, they grow so quickly and are only little once in their lives. Yes having a baby is a true blessing, something that before this I took for granted…never again, it never crossed my mind that I would be a mum of a ‘baby that didn’t make it’ you always think that these things happen to ‘other’ people….
      Love to you
      Amanda

      • Kalah

        Don’t think of yourself as a mum of a baby that didn’t make it. That is so heartbreaking as well. You are a mumma of one of the most beautiful angels in heaven. I’ve followed your story since the first post. You are such a strong woman. I admire your strength. I think how you told your daughter was perfect for your family. We know our children and we decide the best way to do things for them. He is a beautiful little man. Strength to your whole family during your healing process.

      • Hi Kalah,
        I don’t think of myself as a mum of a baby that didn’t make it…someone said that to me a couple of weeks ago, and if I have written it (can’t remember now) I would have written in in inverted commas! Thanks for following our journey and I agree Liam is one of the best in heaven, thanks for your encouragement on how I told Alethea, makes me feel stronger
        Amanda x

  6. Liz

    oh, Amanda, what a hard painfully unfair day. I may not have had to endure that pain, but as a mother I feel it right along with you. For you. no one should ever have to go through that heartbreak…..children are very perceptive, it sounds to me that little baby liam has been visiting Aletha in her dreams. He’ll always be close by, and forever in your hearts xo

    • Oh Liz,
      That is a beautiful thought that Liam may be visiting Alethea in her dreams! Yes that day was painful and unfair and horrible in every single way possible. I hope he is close by and knows how much we love and adore him!
      Amanda x

  7. Katie from nz

    Oh this is so,so sad….. I am praying for you and willing you all the strength in this world…..From one mother to another, may you have peace and courage. X.

    • Thanks Katie,
      Peace and courage are very much needed in our household. Thanks for your prayers
      Amanda x

  8. Lodi

    Dear Amanda, I am a Midwifery student, last week I was present when a family lost their beautiful baby 6 hours after birth. It was to say the least an extremely traumatic event for the family and being on ‘the other side’ its been very difficult for all the midwives, doctors, special care nursery staff and just about everyone involved has been effected one way or another. We have all shed many a tear for that family, for that beautiful Angel. As we all try and process what occured, I constantly wander what that couple are going through, I could not comprehend the pain they must feel. I was given the link to your Blogg by my Course co-ordinator, and reading your beautiful heart felt words has been an inspiration to me and I will reflect on your words as I begin my career as a midwife. Your strength to write down your most intimate feelings and share them with strangers is incredible. You are truly a remarkable woman and I believe you will take this tragic moment in your life and use it positively to help many other families who experience such loss (and even midwives) infact…you already are!. I pray that God truly blesses you, Ryan and Alethea. Overtime your grief will be less but your love for Liam will always remain. xx

    • Hi Lodi,
      I feel for you, being a midwifery student and dealing with the loss of a little one in your family, that is something that you will NEVER forget, I hope through your experiences you will become an extraordinary midwife. Thankyou for your heartfelt words to us, and I agree, our love for Liam will be everlasting, love to you
      Amanda x

  9. Treenagirl

    Thankyou for sharing this with us. Im so very sorry for your loss, But so happy you got to have your beautiful son Liam as part of your life -even tho it seems for such a short time, he will be there forever. I too have read this with tears streaming down my face, Liam, through you has made a huge impact on many people. How very brave you, Ryan and Alethea are. I cannot imagine the pain you are going thru, but offer my heart, cuddles, and ears -should you ever need to talk. I lost a child at 20 weeks, and It was (and sometimes still is) devastating. – I still can only begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I hope you, your partner and Little girl are ok. Give her an extra Big Hug from me -Alethea is a kind hearted, brave, smart little girl -who will help both you and Ryan get through this. Liam Is LUCKY to have parents like you both and a Big Sister Who ALL love him xoxoxo

    • Such beautiful words you have written to me and my family! I will give Alethea a great big hug from you, and yes she is absolutely gorgeous (but strong willed at times!!) and yes without her I would be an absolute mess. Sorry for your loss as well, no matter what the circumstances, losing a baby is the worst thing that can happen to a parent.
      Amanda x

  10. Carley

    Oh Amanda I am bawling as I read these last 2 blogs – I bawled reading the 7 others a couple of wks ago.
    I am so sorry for u and ur family, you are a brave woman writing these blogs, i know I couldn’t do it Xo much love
    R.i.p baby Liam xo

    • Hi Carely,
      Thanks for your kind words, for me I don’t feel that brave, I have all these raw memories that just come pouring out when I sit down to write our journey and actually, once I have written them down I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! Thanks for your love
      Amanda x

  11. Charlotte

    I’ve cried so hard reading this, my heart breaks for you. It’s a beautiful tribute to Liam and I’m sure he’s looking down on you all and so proud of his mummy, daddy and big sister. Lots of love, my thoughts are with you all xxx

    • Hi Charlotte,
      I really do hope that Liam looks down on his family and is proud of us, it’s one of the things that we can hang onto, and helps us get through each day a little easier. Thanks for your love and thoughts
      Amanda x

  12. Jode

    Thank you for sharing your families story, Liam will never be forgotten because of you he will live on forever in the hearts and minds of all who read your blog.

    • Hi Jode,
      It’s a nice thought that Liam will be remembered by so many people, I often think to myself that at random times throughout some peoples lives they will look back and remember our journey, our story and our Liam
      Amanda x

  13. Treenagirl

    I feel so guilty that all of us commenting are getting personal responses from you.. Like we are imposing on your time? Again, I thank you Amanda,… and you beautiful family for sharing you life, your love and your family’s story with all of us. I’m also from Sydney (Although opposite sides of the spectrum), but somehow it makes it more comforting knowing the place you had Liam, and the place he is laid to rest… Also the park, and Lollipops playland you took Alethea to. I wanted you to know, that i too am lucky -lucky to now have 2 beautiful children – I referred earlier to our baby we lost at 20 weeks, – A horrendous story in itself… BUT, This IS Liam’s story not ours. – I feel blessed to have our 2 babies (Well our son is not such a baby now, at 9yo… Daughter is almost 3yo).. I too had had a few miscarriages – DEVASTATING -Each and EVERY one, But all seem incomaparable to you adn your family’s loss….. Amanda ~~ Im so glad you are sharing your story, your pain with us all… You proably dont realise, how much this IS helping other people… Nor should you – You are doing this for YOUR Gorgeous Baby Boy Liam 🙂 – Though never intended for others to heal… This IS what your story has Helped me do. — And for that I Thank You xoxoxo

    • Definitely not imposing on our time, sometimes it takes us a while to reply, but that is only because we are busy with each other/Alethea, we reply when we have free time, and to tell you the truth, I feel that if people have taken the time to read our journey and then write to us, the least that we can do is thank them for that and acknowledge the time that they have taken in doing so!
      Thank you for your beautiful words, and know that your loss is just as great as ours, anyone who loses a baby suffers horribly….and you have too, are loses ARE comparable, you have lost a baby just like me, love and strength to you and your family
      Amanda x

  14. Danielle

    Amanda,Ryan and Alethea ..my heart is breaking for you all.Tears where running down my face as I read your beautiful tribute to your son Liam..It brought so many memories of my daughter Jessie who has now been gone 12 years and also played a song by savage garden “I knew I loved you before I meet you”..you are one amazing mother..So many questions go through your head “why me, why my baby”…I think if I had answers to why my baby died I might have dealt with it better..Overtime it will get easier but the love you have for your little man will remain in your heart forever..my thoughts are with you and your family now and forever..big hugs and kisses for you all…Dani xxxooo

    • Hi Dani,
      I too am very sorry for your loss, the song you played for Jessie is beautiful! I don’t think I will ever get an answer to ‘why me, why my baby’ it is always something that you believe will NEVER happen to you, this sort of thing only happens to “friends of friends” and I sit here even now and shake my head not believing that it has happened to us. Thanks for your lovely words and your hugs!
      Amanda x

  15. Sarah

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been in tears as I read each part. I am currently pregnant with a little boy who is unfortunately very sick and won’t survive long after birth. Reading your story as hit close to home (even though it is so different from mine in that I know what is going to heppen and you had no idea), but the things like hearing other babies cry at the hospital and leaving the hospital empty handed is what scares me the most. I have a 6 year old and he is so excited to be a big brother again (we also have a 20 month old), and like you I am worried about saying the wrong thing to him. Worried that what I will say will somehow make it worse. Worried about how he will be able to handle the loss, and his parents being totally devasted. I’m sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. Your beautiful boy is very lucky to be blessed with such amazing parents. xoxo

    • Hi Sarah,
      I am so sorry that you too will have to go through what we have gone through, you will need all your strength for both yourself and your family, being 6 your little boy is that much older than Alethea and will understand a lot more about the permanence of death, I have found that being honest with Alethea and answering her questions as truthfully as I can (age appropriate) has helped the most with Alethea. There are a lot of support groups out there that will be able to help you know what to say to your little boy, SIDs are a really great source of information and try to remember all the support you can get while in hospital from Heartfelt and Bears of Hope etc. I am sending lots of love and strength to you, an experience that no person should ever have to go through.
      Amanda

  16. Sandi

    I have just read all of your posts and have cried for you all through each one, I am so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best for your lovely family of 4 and I hope the future holds a more wonderful story for you all, thank you for sharing your story and i hope one day you find some peace and must say how lucky Liam IS to have such a loving Mummy, Daddy and beautiful Big Sister sending you much love, hugs and peace to you all xo

    • Hi Sandi,
      Such beautiful words you have written to us! I too hope/know that wonderful things will come our way…they have to! I too cry when I re-read our posts and shake my head in disbelief that this happened to us, something I never ever thought would happen. Love to you
      Amanda x

  17. Thank you Amanda and Ryan for having the strength and courage to share Liam’s story, it is so eloquently written and the raw emotion and honesty is heartbreaking. I have just finished reading it from the beginning to the present, with tears streaming down my face and at times I struggled to read as they welled, blurring your poignant words.

    As soon as I finished and managed to regain my composure I stepped away from my computer and sat holding my four year old, born 7 weeks early, not wanting to let her go. Knowing that I will be blessed with the opportunity to cuddle her little sister later tonight also born prematurely, after losing her twin in the first trimester and nearly lost her on a number of occasions. You have reminded me how lucky and grateful we are to have both of our girls with us. But this isn’t about our story, this is yours and Liam’s.

    A few of our beautiful friends have been though very similar to you and you have given us an insight on what they have gone through, and while we will never truly understand what it is like to walk in yours or their shoes, what you have shared has helped me gain some understanding.

    Alethea and Liam as so blessed to have such beautiful parents, Liam will not be forgotten, he will hold a place in many hearts and a river of tears will be shed by those who have the honor of reading his story. Peacefully sleeping forever young the most precious little boy xxoo

    • Thankyou for your beautiful words. You too have faced challenging circumstances each very scary and worrying, sorry for the loss of your little ones twin. Thanks for reading our journey, it is nice to think that Liam will be remembered by many. Love to you
      Amanda x

  18. Julie

    As I wipe away my tears, I cannot express just how sorry I am to you Amanda, Ryan & Alethea for the loss of your georgeous boy Liam. He is a beautfil little boy, so perfect, every photo I looked at I kept thinking what you wrote “he just looks like he needs to wake up”. Our son is also named Liam and he was born via emergency c-section after his heart rate began dropping during contractions. We were blessed to be born with a healthy son but it wasn’t until reading your blog I realised how serious this type of complication was. I wish I could bring your little boy back, for you to feel his milky breath on your cheeks, to have a lifetime of cuddles, not just the memories of cuddles with him. Amanda you are incredibly strong to be able to share your story and I am glad that in doing so brings some comfort to you. Sharing your story will help many people, and enables us to feel the love you, Ryan and Alethea have for Liam. I think how you have explained Liams passing to Alethea is beautiful, she understands and also has memories of cuddles with her brother and you all will cherish the time you spent with him forever. I know Liam is safe and warm wrapped in Angel wings filled with the love and cuddles you all gave him.

    • Thanks Julie for your lovely message. The whole time we were in hospital Liam just looked like he was sleeping and I kept pleading ‘just let him breath, let him be a miracle’ I always knew deep down that it wouldn’t happen, but I kept pleading for it. I am very happy that your Liam was born safe and sound. Thanks for the helping me believe that what I told Alethea was the ‘right’ thing!
      Amanda x

  19. Hi Amanda,
    Thanks for sharing such a personal journey. I have read every post and feel like I have experienced some part of such a personal journey with you. I have experienced having to make that heart breaking decision whether to continue with a pregnancy with the likelihood of my child living past a year being very unlikely. This was so tough, but now I see it was nothing compared to the suffering you have had to endure. I now have a 10 month old named Max and feel so blessed. Thanks for being so brave and sharing your little man’s story with the world. Life has it’s continual ups and downs, and I hope you will continue to ‘keep in touch’ with all of your loyal readers, informing us of all the joys you and your beautiful family will experience in the future 🙂

    Sara.

    • Hi Sara,
      Thanks for your lovely message. Yes I sure will keep everyone informed of what is yet to come for our little family…but I haven’t yet finished with Liam’s story, his death is just the beginning, there is so much more for everyone to hear and I look forward to telling his whole story! I am very happy that you have Max, that is beautiful!
      Love to you and your family
      Amanda x

  20. Rebecca Ayling

    Oh Amanda, this is all so heartbreaking! You are so strong and brave to share your story with such openness and honesty. Thank you for doing so.
    You, Ryan & Alethea are incredibly strong and extremely special. It’s really touching to hear how each of you honour Liam in your own ways. And little Alethea – God bless her – such a beautiful soul.
    My heart aches for you going through all of this. My thoughts, love and prayers are with you. So sorry you are going through all of this.
    Xoxo

    • Thanks Bec for taking the time to write to us, so many of our friends just assume that we know they are thinking of us, but have never said so or told us so, so when a friend actually takes the time to tell us we really do appreciate it!
      Thanks for your love and prayers,
      Amanda x

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