Missing Liam

A Dad’s Journey (Part 2 of 2), when the unthinkable happens and your baby dies

I have often heard the phrase “a parent should never outlive their child” and like most things in life it takes experiencing something before you understand the true meaning. No parent should ever outlive their child, it is not how the world should work, a parent should be able to live a long and happy life watching their children grow up, go to school, then onto whatever makes them happy for their career. We should watch them find their perfect partner who they love as much as we love our partners and then we should watch them, and more importantly experience the great joy of more children in the family when we become grandparents and get to enjoy the entire process again. Then as we live a long and full life, our time comes for us to pass the baton to our children and we depart this world for another, this is how life should be, unfortunately it is not how my life will ever be now. Continue reading

A Dad’s Journey (part 1 of 2), when the unthinkable happens and your baby dies

Amanda asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would like to tell my side of our journey, at first I was a little hesitant, I didn’t think that anyone would want to hear what I had to say, but after thinking about it I agreed, I have written it in honour of my little man, a little baby who is now with the angels, jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows, Liam, my son who was and is loved more than anyone can imagine. Continue reading

A Tiny White Coffin

After seeing Liam in the funeral home, Ryan and I returned home as we had our pastor Sylvia coming to our house to go over what was going to happen the next day at the funeral. We didn’t do an order of service, I’m not sure why we didn’t, maybe it was because there was only going to be family there, maybe it was because arranging one seemed like too much effort for Ryan and I to manage, but by the time she had left we knew exactly what would happen and were content with everything. Continue reading

Songs for a Funeral

When Nanna, Ryan and Alethea came home from the park for some silly reason I suggest that Ryan and I take Alethea to Lollipops play land (that’s an indoor play area for children, it has jumping castles, ball pits, big slides etc.) I was conscious that Alethea had been shipped from place to place, she had seen everybody she loved upset, she had realised that her baby brother was not coming home and I wanted her to have some fun, she deserved some fun. Although it was good for Alethea, she ran around waving and giggling the whole time to us, it was horrible for both Ryan and me. I hadn’t really thought about what it would be like for us before going there, I had just thought of Alethea. Sitting there we watched all the kids playing, there were little boys around 1 year old, just learning to walk and finding their independence  and I looked at all of them with silent tears running down my face thinking that Liam would never be able to do these things, distraught at what we were missing out on, I looked around and saw all the children who had siblings to play with and it hurt my heart that Alethea was still without a sibling, she had patiently waited for a sibling, she had asked for one time and time again, and now that she had one…he wasn’t here. Continue reading

An Empty Nursery

We had decided that we would bury Liam, neither Ryan or I had ever been to a cremation so we decided that for us a burial seemed “right”. On the way home from hospital we decided to see the two places that we could bury Liam. The first was at Macquarie, Ryan drove into the cemetery and we found a map to direct us to the “baby lawn” area (yes there is a place specifically for babies, something I had never known or thought about) we stopped the car and Ryan walked around to my side to open the door and help me out. I took 2 steps forward and started hyperventilating “Not here I can’t do it, not like this, not here, who has a dead baby, who does this” Continue reading

Goodbye baby boy, mummy loves you x

Thursday night, and I look at Ryan as he was preparing for bed, as usual he took off his necklace, which is silver and has a ‘dog tag’ on it which has Alethea’s handprint that has been digitalised down, her name and date of birth, Alethea and I made it for his second ever father’s day, (through a company called Smallprint) he wears it every day close to his heart and I had a sudden thought that we needed to get one of Liam for him. ‘Honey, I totally forgot, would you like a tag with Liam’s hand on it?’ Ryan looks at me with hope in his eyes and says to me that he had thought about it, but hadn’t wanted to upset me by asking for it. Continue reading

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

Ryan says that we will try for lights out, it is 11pm and when he switches the lights off it is pitch black, I cannot see the clock on the wall, I cannot see my wrist watch and Ryan has put my phone (which also tells me the time) on the bench out of my reach. I press my button of escape once (it takes 2-3 goes before I am overcome with sleep) and as I do I realise that 11pm is the exact time last night that my waters broke….It’s only been 24 hours and in that time my whole life has changed, my baby is dead, all my plans for the future have changed and I am no longer quite sure of who I now am. Continue reading

How do you tell a 3 year old their baby brother is dead?

I had sent out a group text at around 8am in the morning telling our friends that our baby had died, I thought it was easier than receiving the many texts/phone calls that you get when your due date is looming from well-wishers asking if labour had started yet, I really had no idea what to say in my text, I wanted to say something profound to let people know that Liam had meant the world to us, that he was beautiful, that I loved him to the stars and back, but my mind was blank, and the only thing that I had been able to write was “Liam Edward born 244am, sadly has gone to be with the angels, he was perfect in every way xx” The texts from our friends came rolling in all day, each person was as shocked and devastated as the next, and of course there was nothing that anyone could say to make it any better so they all said that we were in their thoughts and prayers and let us know that they were there for us should we need anything. Before Alethea came I trawled the internet googling everything I could think about on baby death etc. nothing helped, most of what I read made me feel worse, I can’t remember what I was reading, but I know that I had that sick churning feeling in my stomach while I was reading it. Continue reading

Was it my Fault?

The feeling of numbness is something that I have never experienced before, in a way I felt like my ears had mufflers over them, and although I was conscious of my body, I felt like I was above looking in on myself as well, I am sure that some of that had to do with the large doses of fentanyl that I was pumping into my body, however Ryan says that he felt the same way to. Continue reading

Pain, Heartache and Numbness

Liam’s official time of death was 523am, such an odd coincidence as that is the exact time of day that Alethea was born down to the minute. No-one is with us now, they have finally given us the peace that we so craved when Liam was alive, but now he is dead and we are alone, what are we meant to do, how am I meant to act. The recovery nurse comes and asks about my pain, up to now I hadn’t thought about it, but now she has mentioned it yes it does hurt, she asks if I need something for it and I reply ‘that would be nice.’ Half an hour passes and no one has said anything, we are all deep in our thoughts. People start to appear around our curtains, first the paediatrician and then there is a line of people behind him, all here to pay their condolences, it feels strangely odd. The paediatrician asks me if I have any questions, and I just stare at him, what am I meant to ask, my baby is dead what will it achieve by asking something, am I meant to ask a question? He moves aside and the NETS team approach me, their arms are hung in front of them with hands crossed over and their heads are down, they tell me they are sorry for my loss and ask if I have any questions. The OB then comes in, he fusses and asks if he might see the wound, he looks at it, not really paying attention, he doesn’t know what to say, he has been on this journey with us, he delivered Alethea, he performed my D & Cs post miscarriage, he knows how much we have gone through to have this baby. He asks me  if I have any questions and I just look again, I can’t speak, please, someone, tell me what am I meant to be asking, he strokes my hair and gently says ‘ok I will come and see you in a couple of hours.’ Continue reading